it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
True strength comes from lack of pants
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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