U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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