you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
