ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
