....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
