Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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