smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
