Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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