Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
