my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
