My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
then he tried to convert me to islam
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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