Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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