Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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