I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
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THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.