It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
