you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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