I got chris browned last night
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
