SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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