im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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