If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
