He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
