This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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