I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
