Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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