i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
