He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
