Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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