I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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