im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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