I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You took a bar mat shot.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
