my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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