mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
