i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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