love makes seman taste better
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
