Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
