There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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