I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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