Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
