Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
