tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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