based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
