Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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