You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
