It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
All the doctor said was why
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
