So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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