my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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