a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
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HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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