Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
