We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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