Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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