so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
