Already got asked if we're dating
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
