Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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