i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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