So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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