Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
