I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
