i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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