If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
