Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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