I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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