Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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