you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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