I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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