4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
