There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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