Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
